Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart - LEGO - Love You, Merica

Merica (*shudder*) just voted off Kelly, & Rodney takes Will aside once they get back to camp.


Mike's like Great job playing the idol & fucking up my plans.


Despite having an enormous chunk of salami & fresh fruit around the camp - presumably left over from the merge feast - it's not enough food for Rodney.  He tells Shirin to put another scoop of rice on the fire, & is annoyed that "Joe & his stooges" have been running the food ship ever since they merged.  Personally, I wouldn't consider anyone who follows Joe around "a stooge".  I would consider them a human being.  With eyeballs.  SORRY VINCE, IT'S TRUE.  Rodney is trying to keep his anger under control, though with his very own 3Cs.


The Reward Challenge involves untying bags of puzzles from balance beams.  The first 3 to finish move on to a puzzle portion.  First to finish gets to zip-line through the rainforest to a "pizza picnic".  Hi Jeff, everyone in the world just calls that a pizza party, inside or outside.  A Pizza Picnic is as much a thing as No Collar is a thing, which is not at all.  STOP TRYING TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. 

Nobody is shocked that Joe wins.  Individual Immunity is a double-edged sword, of course, as Joe now has to choose who shares his reward.  He chooses Tyler, Will, & Carolyn.  Probst says Pick one more, just for fun.  Rodney says I'm the most staahving, & Joe says, You're also eating the most, bro, & Rodney says, Whatever, bro, I'm just keeping it real.  I'm fine - if you don't pick me, I'll just go back to camp & think about Joaquin.

Shirin clears her throat.


Joe picks Shirin, who jumps up & down & runs over to Joe, who calmly tells Jeff, "That's why.  Right there."  Joe makes dreams come true.  SORRY VINCE, IT'S TRUE.

After Shirin almost zip-lines into a tree because she was too busy grinning to brake, they all settle down for pizza & cinnamon buns & pop.  Joe notices something in Carolyn's bottle.


He knows it's a clue, but how to get it before she notices it?


Carolyn leaps at the opportunity to give Joe the rest of her soda, & who can blame her?  SORRY VINCE, IT'S TRUE.  Joe chugs the remaining pop, & the clue.  When he removes it from his mouth, Tyler sees, & Joe knows he has to share it with him.

The next morning, Joe takes Tyler away fromt the camp to wash dishes & idol hunt.  Mike, who knew a clue would be at the reward, follows them, going so far as to watch them from the trees.



Soon everyone knows Joe has a clue, & suddenly nobody knows where Joe is, so everyone's looking for Joe/the idol.  Mike puts on a show, telling everyone Joe found the idol, & he does a much more subtle job with his acting than when he threw the memory challenge.  Joe's like Fuck.

Dan is speaking condescendingly to a woman again, & this time it's to Shirin, & I CAN'T EVEN.


He basically tells her she's stupid for siding with the lower numbers & Shirin's like I have plans, you don't understand my game, & underneath all her words you can hear FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.


Then, THEN...


Then, THEN, THEN, as if that wasn't offensive enough for us, he says Shirin is annoying, so...



What a dick, right? 


(You can reach Dan at @chxdigme.  Seriously.)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.  Dan then tells Shirin she's got no game left, she'll be first to go if Joe wins Immunity again, she sucks, what a loser, blah blah blah.  But he's not done being a complete asshole yet, BECAUSE THEN, 


 UUUUGGGGGHHHHH.

Meanwhile, Mike's eating termites, still looking for the idol, having an emotional moment.  He gets full-on montage music while he hunts for the idol, with inspirational messages skywritten across the sky, so it's no surprise when he finds the idol.

The Immunity Challenge is a series of slide puzzles.  First to finish wins Immunity.  Probst says Hey Shirin, this is *just* a puzzle.  Are you going to kill this challenge or what?  Shirin then goes FULL ADORABLE & says it depends on if she can supress her fandom, as she's still geeking out about being on Survivor.  On Day 22.  How does anyone not adore this woman?  Shirin says she has to contain her excitement, like holding in a bomb.



The strictly-puzzles challenge begins.


Everyone but Hali & Rodney are on the last puzzle, about which Probst says "You will know when you have it."  Mmmm, not so much if you're Dan, who incorrectly thinks he's right twice.  Clearly he's a fan who focused on basic math, but not basic spelling.
Joe, of course, wins, making him undefeated in individual Immunity wins.
Rodney is annoyed that Joe can't be voted out yet again.  All he does is win challenges.


Despite Dan trying to convince his alliance to get rid of Shirin, Mike is still running the show until Rodney finds a ship to take over, & Mike wants one of the other No Collars gone.

Shirin tells Jenn, Hali, & Sierra about the conversation she had with Dan, & Hali says something that makes me start liking Hali.


The girls say Wait a minute, we all think Dan's the worst?  Why don't we just get rid of him?

At Tribal Council, Tyler says that a chainsaw never split Merica into 2 distinct tribes, it just blurred the lines even more & yes, I wish I had a Beetlejuice minifig so I could make a Robin Thicke meme.  Mike says they're all gamers.


You know who would have been the best at tickling somebody's ear?


We were robbed, I tell you.

Dan says "Flippers never win", & Shirin says Excuse me, but Tony flipped all the motherfucking time & he won epically, so suck it.  A flag raises behind Hali, fireworks go off above her, & Will hums Merica's anthem, Livin' on a Prayer.



Time to vote, votes are read, & history means nothing as Hali is voted out.


With that said, Hali leaves the Tribal Council area immediately.






Follow us on Twitter at @MomofKai & @SonofMomofKai, & you can follow this blog on Facebook as well!



Wednesday, April 08, 2015

Survivor Worlds Apart - LEGO - Merica, Fuck No


The New Escameca tribe returns to camp after Tribal Council, & Rodney is missing his bro Joaquin.  Mike explains to Rodney that they felt Joaquin was the one pulling Rodney in & not the other way around. Rodney is like Hell No.



New Nagarote reads Tree Mail which basically screams "MERGE TIME" like a Weasley letter arriving at Hogwarts, & Will's like Mmmm, I don't know.  I think it's just a reward.

The tribes merge - much to Will's surprise - & they feast & everyone tries to take credit for making Joaqney happen while Rodney holds back his tears.


They head back to the chosen camp & find that nothing is left & they must start from scratch.  Mike immediately gathers wood, & reconnects with Kelly.  Joe fills his No Collars in on everyone from New Nagarote.  Jenn asks if Rodney is smart.



Rodney is smarter than his soundbites, though, & so begins his journey of vengeance against those who voted out his bro Joaquin.  His plan is to gather up Will, Kelly, & Carolyn to play with the Blues until they aren't needed.  Carolyn is still the closest with Tyler, & they know they have to keep their tight alliance a secret, as nothing panics these people more than a pair.

Dan gets stung by a jellyfish.  Jenn tells him to put his foot in hot water & somewhere Max rips a bunch of kale to shreds in frustration (& then hand massages in olive oil & balsamic vinegar because lolololol at Max wasting kale).  I mean, we're all agreed that Dan's feet have to be more gross than Max's feet, right?  Shirin offers to pee on Dan's foot & <3 <3 <3.

Then they pick a merge name & I CAN'T EVEN.  The only redeeming quality about the tribe name Merica is that it's slightly easier to swallow than the #Dirty30 hashtag this cast (& every lush 29 year old planning a birthday party) is intent on trying to make happen.



Hali goes on about her love for the Constitution for an absurdly long time - the Constitution MUST be her Number 1 passion.  I'm petitioning for a National Treasure 3, where Nicolas Cage tries to take the Constitution away from Hali.

"I'm going to steal the Constitution."







The Immunity Challenge is the hold-on-to-the-pole one, & Jenn gets a bee sting "in a sensitive area", Rodney holds onto his pole like it's Joaquin, & Probst doesn't disappoint either.


Joe is amazebuns in this challenge & never drops from the top spot on his pole & wins Immunity.  Somewhere, Vince lights some incense, sits in silence, & searches for the truth of what Joe has that he doesn't.  Man bun?  Check.  Abs?  Check.  Ability to resist smelling the hair of ladies around him?  Che...oh, there it is.  Once again, I'd be remiss if I didn't remind everyone that we were robbed when Vince was voted out.


Back at camp, the Blue Collars decide to vote for Jenn, but they tell Will to vote for Hali, so they'll know whether they can trust him or not.  Shitty deal for Will.

The No Collars decide to vote out Kelly, & Shirin is on board with that.  Mike talks to Tyler, who is well aware that the White Collars are swing votes.  Or, "swingers", as he puts it.


Jenn tells Hali they need to find out which of them will be targeted, because she has an idol to play.  Hali says, "How did you get it?"  This is a future criminal defense attorney & she asked this question in the middle of a game that has idols literally everywhere for anyone to find.  Great job, MERICA.

At Tribal Council, the vote is still very much up in the air.






Time to vote, Probst asks if anyone wants to play an idol, & Jenn plays hers, for herself.  She doesn't even seize the opportunity to say Hold Up, Bro, as a double Survivor callback, though.  And she calls herself a Survivor fan.  The Blue Collar alliance looks crestfallen, & it's clear that Jenn made the right call once the votes are read, as Will's vote for Hali is the only one not for Jenn.  The No Collar alliance stuck with their decision to vote out Kelly, & out Kelly goes.


Kelly leaves the Tribal Council area immediately.




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Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart - LEGO - Brodown, I repeat, BRO DOWN

Once again, an episode begins not with the tribe returning from Tribal Council, but with the tribe dealing with the results of the vote the next morning.  Shirin describes Tribal as "a little bit of a heartbreaker" & asks Carolyn if her flipping on White Collar means she isn't planning on working with her in the future.


Carolyn tries to tell Shirin that she was nothing but a puppet to Max, & just like Squeaky, Shirin denies it & defends Max.  Shirin feels completely on her own, & reflects that it's not unlike her childhood, where she was ostracized & fought to get people to like her.  Girrrrl, the Internet is in love with you.  You're good now, & now is all that matters.  Call me when 11 year old you makes a worst-dressed Buzzfeed list...


In all seriousness, I was always the new kid in school, moving around in the middle of school years with my family, & I looked like ^that^ only soon to have the additions of enormous glasses, a retainer, & the results of a crimping iron.  I never made friends easily as a kid.  I was painfully shy.  I was bullied.  I was told I was ugly, & I believed it.  There are more stories I could share that would give this more weight, but I'll edit it out like I'm a Survivor producer & just say it sucked.  It sucked gigantic monkey balls.  But, like Shirin says, you learn to adapt, eventually.  You just have to live those experiences, even if it takes a very, very long time to realize that a) you're actually stronger than most people, & b) that those experiences are what developed that strength.  Get it, girl. <3

Over at New Escameca, Dan is telling the tale of that time he lost his manties in the water.  Rodney is annoyed, & wishes he had someone on his level.  Not since Alec & Drew, not since Aras & Vytas, not since Malcolm & Reynold, & dare I say it - not since Stephen & JT, has there been a Survivor Bromance like Joaqney.  It's all Bromance memes from here on out, basically.  You've been warned.






The Reward Challenge is a vertical obstacle course.  Once at the top, sandbags will be launched towards targets.  First tribe to hit all their targets wins a reward of watching turtles & eating beef stew, & mac & cheese, &...hot chocolate?


New Nagarote wins & Shirin is happy for more time to try to fit in with the Pink Ladies,  the Heathers, the Plastics,  the rest of her tribe.  She's mildly regretful that they all didn't get sick together just so she would have something else in common with these people.  First of all, never try to be common or have things in common, because common is bad because it's common.  Nobody strives to be Kevin Jonas - always strive for Nick.  But if her wistful delivery expressing regret that the whole tribe didn't get sick doesn't endear Shirin to you, I don't know what kind of monster you are.

After eating their carbs & protein with hot chocolate (seriously, wtf), they head over to the beach to watch turtles migrate to lay their eggs.  How I wish I had LEGO turtles, but I don't.

At Escameca, everyone is dreaming of washing down some mac & cheese with a nice hot cup of hot chocolate & no I will not let this go.  Joaquin is explaining the tribe dynamics to Sierra - Tyler's trustworthy & Joe is strong.
Rodney & Sierra kinda-sorta make up.


The next day, Rodney tells Mike that he has Joaquin "like this", while making marionette hand gestures, but clarifying, "like a yo-yo".  It really is hard to hate Rodney as much as I know I should.  He convinces Mike that they should throw the next challenge.  Rodney says it's to ensure Joe doesn't make the merge, but Mike wants to throw to keep his #1 ally, Kelly, safe over at New Nagarote.  Awwwww.  That's sweet, but we're talking about a lady who is still walking around with bandages on her forehead from the 6 stitches she received after being a badass for her new tribe in a Challenge they still came last in.


^^ Favourite Vine of the season.

The Immunity Challenge to be thrown is a memory challenge, which should be easy to throw.  Until Mike is up against Kelly, who, as every live-tweeter was happy to point out, may still be concussed.  Mike's acting is so bad it's unclear whose acting school he's a student of - Ozzy's or Malcolm's?  Kelly finally manages to get it right, "winning" Immunity for New Nagarote.

At Escameca, Mike is wary of how quickly Joaquin & Tyler pulled Rodney in.  Next could be Sierra, he posits.  At Tribal Council, Sierra's estrangement from the former Blue Collars is discussed, as is the opportunity that presents itself with a Tribe Swap.  Sierra says she felt more comfortable with this new tribe than she did in 11 days with her old tribe.  Jeff says "Mike, this is not good news."
 Still not as entertaining as last week's Tribal Council.


Time to vote, votes are misspelled, votes are read, & Joaquin is voted out & is asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately.



Have you ever seen a parent in a store who has just realized their child is no longer standing beside them?  And they're not sure which aisle their child has wandered down, or behind which display they're crouching, so their mind goes to the worst possible place - that some creep has scooped up their child & are currently throwing them in the back of a dirty old van?  That look on the parent's face is the look on Rodney's face as the votes are read.

Someone's voting for Joaquin?
Wait - is Joaquin being voted out?
Joaquin IS being voted out!
WHERE'S JOAQUIN?


Follow us on Twitter, where we will document Rodney's despair during the next episode of Survivor: @MomofKai & @SonofMomofKai, & you can follow this blog on Facebook as well!