After sending Leif home, Tarzan comments on the doomed situation he has helped put the men in. "2 boys left...so now we're in a hopeless situation unless the boys win immunities. So if I was trying to play the odds in my favour, the smartest thing to do is go with what the girls want me to do, rather than risk being exposed as a person on Troyzan's side." Tarzan also believes that if you discover you're missing a scalpel after you've sewn a lady up, it's best to just send her on her way & move to another State & change your name to something ridiculous like Tarzan.
Kim's plan is to keep everyone happy & calm. Unfortunately for her, Tree Mail has other ideas. The kind of Reward Challenge that everyone dreads is upon them - the kind that reveals what everyone is really thinking, & the pecking order of the tribe. If the winner gets to bring others along with them, Kat & Kim set up a deal to bring each other.
The contestants have to answer questions about themselves, & when Probst has all of their answers, they have to guess who the majority of the group chose for each question. Each time they answer correctly, they chop a rope holding creepy-ass dummies representing each Survivor so accurately that Kat's is wearing a pink hoodie.
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| Not so accurate on the "pretty", though. |
Each dummy gets 3 chops before they are sent flying into flames & their real-life counterpart is out of the challenge. But I thought fire represented life in Survivor! I'm so confused! The last dummy...er, person standing wins a helicopter ride to an island picnic, which is pretty much what they do everyday, as they are living outside. The novelty of a picnic should be long gone. Probst asks, "Worth playing for?" & I wonder if there's ever been a reward where everyone says, "Meh", but then I remember last season, when a reward "worth playing for" was sitting through a screening of Jack & Jill, so standards are obviously lower in the Survivor world.
This challenge is the kind of game my family likes to play on game nights, but with fun questions like "If Lisa was an athlete, which sport would she excel at?" If you can get through that question without laughing, you win. Note this, family: next game night, we're using these Survivor questions. It's gonna get real dark.
"Who does not deserve to still be here?" The consensus is Christina, & she is sad, & right about now is when I would start crying. What exactly have they edited out about Christina? Does she sleep all day? Did she eat more than her fair share of Jonas' coconut potato chips? And if she did, who could blame her? Damn you, editors! I'll never know what is so unlikable about Christina!
"Who would you trust with your life?" Kim wins, but what is more surprising than everyone trusting a bridal boutique owner with their life is that half of them thought the majority chose Tarzan, a man who can't even keep his own underwear clean.
Troyzan's dummy gets its 3rd chop & into the inferno it goes. Alicia grabs the opportunity to mock him & his motto "This is my island!", & then the game of Survivor gets Tarzaned again. "...& now he's part of the island - his ashes. & he's become the molecular substrate of this island, so he does belong on this island." Um, Troyzan the person hasn't been burned to ashes...it's just a dummy, Tarzan. Have you spent too long building half-plastic people that you can't tell the difference anymore?
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| Tarzan would like you to meet his Grandchildren. |
"Who most needs a wake-up call in life?" Kat wins (or maybe loses is the right word here), & Tarzan & Chelsea's dummies are set ablaze.
"Who's the biggest poser?" The answer is Troyzan.
"Who does the least for their tribe?" Sabrina wins, surprisingly. She was tribe leader & had so many credentials early on!
Kat is chopped out of the challenge & I love how quickly she gets her back up. "What? What did I do to you? That's ridiculous. You guys are crazy." She's like my cat (see what I did there?) - she will purr & purr & purr & then suddenly she'll swipe at you with claws fully extended. Or maybe a honey badger is more appropriate. Looks adorable, but really the most fearless creature ever.
Christina notes that the dummies have skeletons & holy crap is Tarzan on to something? Are they really people? Wait - where is Leif? WHERE IS LEIF?
"Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?" Kim wins, & Christina is out.
"Who do you hope to never see again after the game?" Troyzan is the clear winner for the girls. I can't wait to use this question on family game night. I promise to record the evening & post it here for all to enjoy.
Kim wins the reward & gets to choose one person to bring along. She doesn't want Troyzan to go back to camp with both Alicia & Christina, so she chooses Alicia. Probst gives her 1 more spot to fill, & Kat fixes her hair for the breezy helicopter ride to come, & Kim chooses Chelsea.
Kat: "Are you serious?"
Kim: "I'm sorry Kat. This girl never eats & you know it."
Troyzan licks his lips & moves in for the kill. "I think it's pretty revealing. It shows exactly where everyone stands. Exactly." These words haunt Kat all the way back to camp. Kim should have taken Troyzan along with her, ensuring he couldn't talk to anyone. Sure, that means he gets a helicopter ride & food, but nobody is starving anyway. They get doughnuts every 3rd day, for Probstsakes. Remember when Survivors used to be starving? Me too. Sigh.
In the helicopter, Kim says "There's no one else I wanted to bring more", & that sound in the distance was Kat tossing her Hello Kitty TV out of her apartment window. Kat goes on a rantic back at the Keanu camp, but is still trying to tell herself that Chelsea was picked because she needed the food. Troyzan is trying his hardest to turn Kat. "It's not about food today. It's a strategy." It drives her to tears & my heart can't take it. Nobody wants to see Kat cry.
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| Why is she still so pretty when she cries? NOT FAIR. |
Sabrina tries to comfort Kat by saying they were left behind because Kim knows they won't waver. But like a true honey badger, Kat don't care. "Troy was making me so angry. I'm sick & tired of him saying that...he says they're the final 3...I don't want to go down as a weak player, & I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure that's not the case. & if that means me having to vote Kim out, then fine."
Sabrina asks Troyzan what his plan would be & pretends to be intrigued by the pitch. Christina agrees that they have to look at other options. In Sabrina's confessional, she reveals she just wanted to see how easily Christina would be swayed, & now she knows. But what does Sabrina expect from someone who has never been in the alliance? Especially after the entire tribe told Christina she doesn't deserve to be there. If I were Christina, I would be playing that up, pointing out the obvious benefits of taking someone to the Final 3 who "doesn't deserve to be there".
Kim, Chelsea & Alicia return & Kim eventually convinces Kat to talk to her.
Kat: "I'm furious."
Kim: "Ahem." (pulls out her notes) "Kat, I adore you. You're one of my favourite people here..."
Kat rips the notes to shreds with her teeth.
Kim later reflects that her decision to not choose Kat was the first mistake she's made because it wasn't strategic. & now she has a pissed honey badger on her hands.
Everyone is huddling under the shelter, not noticing the camera panning from them to something out of their line of sight. Again, always look at the cameras. If you're looking for a Hidden Immunity Idol, & the camera remains zoomed in on a tree hollow you just gave up on, that's where the Idol is. Now a crew member is trying to get your attention to notice the adorable pig that's just wandered into camp.
When everyone notices the pig, hooting & hollering commences. Half of the tribe goes Lord of the Flies with a blood-lust not seen since that honey badger video above. Alicia yells "Kill it!" & our honey badger screams "We gotta spear that thing!". The excitement is too much to process without some banjo & fiddle music, so let's grab some rope & try to catch us the slowest pig in the world. Now, I'm not saying Survivor is fixed, or that any part of this is manipulated, but that pig may have been sedated & driven into the camp. Maybe. I don't trust anything on this show since I have not received Proof of Life from Leif as of yet, & I am concerned.
We hear pig squeals as he walks from one Survivor to the next, & I'm betting they were added in post-production, not unlike some audio manipulation from the first episode. Sabrina is explaining the situation when behind her Christina yells "I found it!", grabs an axe, & runs after the pig while the bluegrass music builds. Perfection.
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| How does this girl not deserve to still be there? |
Troyzan joins in for fun, but thinks "how foolish does this look? These girls are all running around, chasing a pig, not knowing what the hell they're gonna do with it once they catch it." Ron Swanson would make it happen.
The pig escapes the rope, axe, & spear, seeing as everyone just screams & runs away when he approaches them. As the new Keanu Mascot, I dub him: Ted "Theodore" Logan.
The new & improved tribe heads to the Immunity Challenge, which happens to be an adult version of Slip n' Slide, now with extra lube. At the end of the Slip n' Slide, there are rings that must be thrown onto hooks. Competing in pairs, until there is only one pair left, they draw for spots & oil themselves up.
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| Oddly, there weren't as many shots of Tarzan oiling himself up as there were of the girls. |
Kat does an adorable dance as she wins her first round, & it makes me wonder how much adorableness we've missed out on since Kourtney broke her wrist. That's an entire season of knit orca hats, gummi bears & fairy dust.
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| The responsibility of adorable falls solely to you, honey badger. |
The round of the Zans ends with a slowly moving Tarzan beating Troyzan. Just like that, it's over for Troyzan. Who would have thought he would lose to Tarzan? The girls don't try to hide their elation that Troyzan has lost Immunity, & it seems harsh. Again, you need votes to win this game. Troyzan refuses to watch the rest of the competition.
Kat is up to the adorable challenge, as she does a little Katwalk across the screen that is just too cute. The final round is Kim vs Chelsea, & Kim wins her 2nd Challenge of the day.
Back at camp, Kat is annoyed that Kim is making decisions & telling her what to do. "No one thinks that I'm the one running the show...it's frustrating for me." Kat hinted on twitter that she is the one who put together this alliance on Day 1, so if that's true, maybe she has been up to more than the editing has shown. Christina has also commented on the editing choices, & add that to what I have learned from my virtual BFF Kourtney, & what is the lesson? DO NOT TRUST THE EDIT.
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| Ted "Theodore" Logan is actually a seasoned actor. A real ham, you might say. (sorry) |
For some reason, Sabrina tells Christina the girls will split the votes between her & Troyzan, but don't worry because Troyzan's going home....as long as he doesn't have an Immunity Idol...which we kind of think he does.... Christina seems to have no problem with this.
Alicia doesn't know why Christina isn't freaking out, & just when you think Alicia can't possibly be any more offensive, she says: "Christina's IQ is probably a 0...I mean, I'm a Special Ed teacher, so I handle Christina as one of my students."
What about Tarzan? Why not split the votes between the Zans, if you want all females at the end? Yes, Tarzan would be perfect to take to the Final 3, but as the jury will be mostly male, they'd probably still vote for him over any of the girls. Most frustrating season of Survivor ever.
Troyzan & Christina are talking about possibly voting for Chelsea. Troyzan just wishes he knew who the vote would be split with, so he could increase the chances of saving himself. Christina then tells him that her name will be written down. NOOOOO! Christina, what are you doing? Now Troyzan is super happy & is just hoping Kat will make her move.
At Tribal Council, Probst says, "You started as Men vs Women, it certainly appeared today to still be Men vs Women...is that where we're at Troyzan? Are you in trouble because you do not have a necklace?" I swear I thought Probst was going to say a vagina. Or at least boobies.
Time to vote, no Immunity Idol is played, & Troyzan is voted out. Kat decided to stick with the girls, & now Christina has go back to Keanu & explain why she voted for Chelsea. Troyzan doesn't leave without a final push for Kat to take control of the game. "Do it." Honey Badger takes what it wants.
Thus ends the Survivor game of this year's biggest superfan. Troyzan looks back & commits their names & faces to memory. He will repeat their names over & over every night just like Arya Stark, until every last one of them is taken care of.
Good news, everyone! I FOUND LEIF! Looks like he was safe & sound at Ponderosa the entire time! His first few days there were filled with food, beer, & laughter. We actually learn more about Jonas than we do about Leif - Jonas also plays guitar, on top of making sushi & both chips & guacamole from scratch for everyone. Enjoy!
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