Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart - LEGO - Hold Up; Teach Me About Women, Bro

It's a double episode this week, and as always, Kai's comments will be in red font so you can choose to read only the funnier Ferreira's comments if you like.

The No Collars return to camp after voting Nina out.

Looks like Kai was right about Hali's Number 1 passion in life.

Will is concerned that he received 2 votes, and that if they go to Tribal Council again, he's gone.

"Where are the sandwiches?  He promised them sandwiches."

Over at Blue Collar, Dan finds a snake & yells to get the machete.

The snake is beheaded & skinned before it's cooked, & it's pretty graphic.  This is the first of many scenes in these 2 episodes which drive my Mother to turn away from the television, cover her ears, & wait for us to tell her when it's over.  Family show, CBS.  Family show.

The Reward Challenge involves a caller for each tribe sending out blindfolded pairs to retrieve items which must be raised on a platform.  First tribe to have all their items to the top wins chickens & a rooster.  Second tribe to finish wins 10 eggs - an unusual number for a bunch of eggs.  Like, did someone drop 2?  The third tribe wins nothing, not even a date with Probst.

The Survivors seem to be trying to bro down with Probst, as they are super casual in their responses to who's going to sit out.

Blindfolded challenges always provide the same sort of crotch-slamming low-hanging humour provided by AFV.  While one Survivor used his partner as a human shield/pillow against counter-height obstacles...

...another took all blows as they came, & just dealt like a boss.  Gushing blood was the second time my Mom couldn't look.

This was the first challenge that Nina could have actually had a point about her tribe seeing her loss of hearing as a disadvantage, but she's gone so I guess we'll never know how that would have played out.  Sad we never got to see feathers peeking out of a blindfold as well - OR if they had made Vince the caller, how fucking amazing would that have been?  Just follow the wind.  Where is your heart leading you?  Seek the truth of the item.  You're beautiful humans no matter what.  Connect with the colour of your aura.  We were all ripped off.  No Collar finishes first & wins the fowl, White Collar finishes second & wins the not-quite-dozen of eggs.  Blue Collar finishes last, which is interesting, as the whole challenge involved being told what to do & Probst said that was their thing.  HE SAID.

The No Collars wish Will a Happy Birthday & decide to celebrate with one of the chickens.  Jenn isn't happy because deaf people suck, but chickens are precious souls.  Joe killing the chicken was the third time my Mom couldn't look.  And there was a man bun on the screen - who can resist looking at a man bun?  Jenn leaves the camp-turned-slaughterhouse & looks for an Idol & surprise!  She finds one.

Over at Blue Collar, Kelly continues being a badass, revealing she needed 6 stitches.  Then Rodney teaches us all about women & I CAN'T EVEN.


Will it be crabs or herpes tonight?  Fingers crossed for chlamydia!  In Rodney's defense, he also admits you don't know what you're getting when you hook up with a girl at a carnival, or a museum as well.  It's not just the drunk girls.  It's ALL the girls.  #YESALLWOMEN

Rodney continues churning out soundbites faster than I can make memes.  For example, despite saying about Lindsey on the first day: "You get a girl all tatted up, which I like because if somebody has tattoos & they have artwork on their body, they want to express themselves in some way", he now says:


Over on White Collar, eggs are boiling, & Shirin is grateful they didn't win the chicken because who amongst them could slaughter a chicken?  Well, Shirin could.  She reveals that she was practical, & learned how to kill a chicken, & slaughtered a rabbit.  This discussion was the fourth time my Mom couldn't look at the screen.

Joaquin makes it sound more awful.

Personally, I think it's smart, & I love this tweet from Shirin:
The tribe is discussing who to sit out at the next challenge & Max suggests if they sit out Shirin, she will feel alienated & I guess the insinuation is that she will panic & drive everyone nuts.  Carolyn is offended that she has to worry about someone's feelings, even though the social game is a huge part of Survivor, & placating someone absolutely is a thing to be considered.

The Immunity Challenge involves what Probst dubs "Rope Management" as Survivors are tied to a rope they must maneuver around, grab bags of balls, then maneuver 3 balls up a wall, past many holes to settle them into spots, using more ropes.  No Collar finishes first, followed by White Collar, & Blue Collar is going to Tribal Council.

Dan teaches us all about women & I CAN'T EVEN.

Lindsey & Sierra have found themselves on the outside of their tribe, & a new leader is emerging with SO MUCH WISDOM.



Blue Collar heads to their first Tribal Council.

Rodney tells Probst that he & Lindsey don't mix in an oh-so-Rodney way.

I think I've already made more LEGO Survivor memes of Rodney than I have of any other Survivor player in the history of LEGO Survivor memes.  But he just doesn't stop with the gold.

Rodney reiterates his belief that women should hold themselves to a higher standard & even Jeff Probst is like Whoa with the misogyny there.  Mike speaks of the difference between the Collars & Probst is giddy because this is what he wanted.  Why yes, you would have slit your throat on No Collar, because they're a bunch of new age hippies.  Why yes, the White Collars live off of the hard work of Blue Collar Americans.  

Time to vote, votes are read, & it's a 3-way between Rodney, Lindsey & Sierra.

Everyone but those 3 vote again, & Lindsey is voted out.  She leaves the Tribal Council immediately.

After the Lindsey vote, Sierra can't trust her tribe.  Good thing for her it's Tribe Swap time.

Sierra ends up on the new Escameca with all the men except Max & Will, who are on the new Nagarote with the rest of the women.

The first Reward Challenge is lacrosse with the reward of kitchen supplies.  Escameca wins.

Nagarote goes back to their camp & Hali reflects on how the game might change now that they're not all No Collars.  In fact you might say that No Collars are not even a thing anymore.  You could even suggest that they never were a thing at all.  Nevertheless, she continues to live the No Collar philosophy.

Over at Escameca, Rodney gives more insight into the #1 love of his life.

Rodney, Mike, & Dan leave to get water & as soon as they're out of earshot, Sierra tells Joe, Joaquin, & a very stoic Tyler, exactly how much her former Blue Collars suck, & how happy she is to have them.  Tyler calls her a broken puppy & says "Bring me your poor, your tired, your huddled Survivors."

I said in my cast assessment that Tyler reminded me of a Cabbage Patch Kid all grown up.  Specifically, my brother's childhood CPK named Ollie Hunter.  Which my Mom found for me.

Don't see the resemblance?  How about now?

Don't worry, there are only 4 or 5 CPKs hanging around my parents' house, so no CPK Survivor recap (until the Final 4 or 5, obvs).

Over on Nagarote, Shirin is busy being the life of the party.

The problem is that nobody else is down to party with her.  She's singing & whistling & this annoys Jenn because what could be more No Collar than not bothering to learn your tribemate's name, or wanting to know about her life, man.

Max comes out of the water once again wearing underwear that's more revealing than if he had been censored for his nudity.  Along with his underwear, he also has 2 fresh stingray stings.

Jenn tells Max to put his feet in a pot of water.  Hali then freaks out because Max has a plantar's wart on his foot, & now it's in the pot they boil their drinking water from.  So now Max is disgusting, even though Jenn is the one who clearly told him to put his feet in the pot.  Also, how is Jenn annoyed with Shirin's voice, but okay with Hali's?  I want to stuff my ears with all of the fringes from her bikini every time she says disgahstinggah.

Carolyn reveals that even though it looks like 3 White Collars, 3 No Collars, she is hoping to blindside Max & Shirin.

Over at Escameca, Mike takes a turn teaching us about women & I CAN'T EVEN.

Immunity Challenge time, & this one involves placing pots on a sled that will be dragged through an obstacle course & also will 100% look like monkey balls.  The pots will go on stands to be destroyed by a wrecking ball & we will discover the pots were filled with popcorn.  Escameca wins, as they have the most Blue Collars so obviously they're the best with wrecking balls.

After giving us some choice soundbites about being happy to go to Tribal Council & excited for blindsides (yikes), Max tries to bond with the flaky No Collars by bringing up astrology which lolololol okay.  Jenn isn't impressed, though, as she seems to be a huge fan of the game who does not like other fans of the game.  Max & Shirin are a little too on the intense-nerd-passion-for-Survivor side than the Cool-episode-bro kind of side she's on, I guess?

Max & Shirin discuss voting Will out with Kelly, who says she's in.  Shirin takes it to Carolyn, who is not so in.

Everyone's talking about how annoying Max & Shirin are.

"I don't think Max is annoying.  They haven't shown him being annoying.  I've never seen him be annoying.  Maybe they don't know Max like I do."

At Tribal Council, Shirin is telling Probst that White Collar never gelled, & then she giggles because Probst made a face at her & HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE THIS WOMAN?

The fandom of Max & Shirin is discussed, as is the misfit status of the new Nagarote tribe compared to the strength of the new Escameca.  Time to vote, the votes are read, & then:

In case you're not a superfan, this is the moment in Survivor history that Max was referencing:

Max is voted out of Survivor, & is asked to leave the Tribal Council immediately.

Kai & I went to the Toronto Zoo over his March Break, & he took several pictures that reminded him of season 30, so far.  Sadly, we saw no monkey sex, nor monkey balls...but we did see several penises, not that any penis after a Tapir penis matters.

Yeah.  That's a penis.  We were seriously talking about that penis all day.  And I've been talking about that penis all week.

More pictures taken by Kai that reminded him of Survivor:

Mike's breakfast

Mike's lunch

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Monday, March 16, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart - LEGO - Monkey Sex & RHAPKIA2

I watched this episode in New York, in a room filled with Survivors, fans, bloggers, podcasters, & alcohol, at the RHAP Live Know-It-Alls Event, and you can watch the video of Rob Cesternino & Stephen Fishbach's after-show discussion here.

Kai did not end up live-tweeting, so his comments will appear in red font throughout the blog.

The No Collars return to camp after voting Vince out, who seems to have been both "a snake", & a spider, "spinning webs", so clearly his spirit animal is a chameleon.  It's all genetics.  Nina knows she's the next to go home now that one of her allies just voted her other ally out of the game.  She pleads with her tribe for about 2 straight minutes, & her words boil down to one simple idea that should be everyone's mantra in life.  It's not as complicated as some people think.

Her fellow No Collars, however, feel that Nina is using her deafness as an excuse as to why she's excluded, when it's really her constant griping about her deafness & the way she thinks it's perceived that's leaving her on the periphery of the group.  Totally not a No Collar way of life, man.

Meanwhile, on White Collar,

Shirin witnesses Howler monkeys - from start to finish - having sex, & brings back all the details to her tribe.  It even looks like she acts it out a little bit.  Her tribe is TOTALLY UNGRATEFUL.  I do not understand this for several reasons - firstly, are they not bored to death, just lying around in their shelter?  All normal topics of conversation must be exhausted by Day 7 - how is monkey sex not a refreshing change?  Secondly, I met Shirin at RHAPKIA2, & let me tell you that I asked for all the monkey sex details & I got all of the monkey sex details & it is super fascinating.  Way more anal play than one would expect.  And those balls.  I mean...

But does Shirin's tribe appreciate her childlike enthusiasm?

Like I said, UNGRATEFUL.

"Where's Max?"  Indeed.

At Blue Collar's camp, Lindsey is psyched that their water tastes like water.  Everyone teases Rodney about how he "sleeps [his] ass off".  We get a confessional from Dan, who explains how he knows his mouth can get him into trouble, but he's learned from his mistakes.  Then he joins in on the Rodney teasing.

"What does 'whore' mean?"
"Someone who sleeps around.  Has sex with a lot of people.  So that's meant as an insult - like a Yo Momma joke."
"No, a Yo Momma joke has to start with 'Yo Momma's so', & then fat, or ugly, or stupid..."

"If someone said something bad about you in school, I'd just say 'Shut up' & add a shove.  But if it was in real life, I'd jump on the guy."

Jenn & Hali decide to go surfing with driftwood.

"Uh oh, Nina's gonna get mad.  I can tell how this episode is going."

How much does Hali love surfing?  

So specific.  So what are Hali's #1 & #2 passions in life?  Flaring her nostrils?  Sounding annoyed with everything?  Finding tasseled bikinis?  Basically being a badass/biker dude in a chick's body?  Plotting to blow up the system from the inside?  Perhaps it will become clear as the season unfolds.  I asked Kai what he thought Hali's #1 & #2 passions were.

"Number one is probably hating on deaf people."

Jenn says, "This is exactly what No Collars do...No Collars' lives are kinda about having fun."  It is AMAZING to me how this tribe has embraced their completely fabricated designation by Probst.  Yes, the other tribes have embraced their designations as well, but at least "White Collar" & "Blue Collar" were things before Season 30 of Survivor.  Those tribe members (for the most part) had probably already associated themselves as having the label they were given.  The No Collars constantly refer to being No Collars & a No Collar way of life as if it's an actual thing they have always prided themselves on being and it will never stop being hilarious & fascinating to me.  

So, to keep score, in this episode I have been fascinated by monkey sex & Shirin's enthusiasm for it, what Hali's #1 & #2 passions in life could be, & the No Collar tribe's insistence that No Collar totally is a real thing.  It's a really slow episode, you guys.

Joe catches a lizard & somewhere Vince breaks intense eye contact with a woman to roll his eyes.  Joe offers Nina encouragement and asks her to have fun.  He comforts her with the reminder that they are all out of their element.  Well, maybe not someone whose #3 passion in life is surfing, but...

Everyone enjoys - or at least tries - the BBQ except Nina, & this refusal to eat a lizard seems to further distance herself from her tribe.  Now, I think she of course should have eaten the lizard, but are peer pressure and judging people based on dietary preferences No Collar things to do?  No, those are totally White Collar things.  Shouldn't the No Collars just go with the flow & be, like, Great, more lizard for me, bro!?

The White Collars are displaying their peer pressure tendencies while they are out searching for the idol that Carolyn already has.  Shirin suggests a truce - they all stop looking until they win an Immunity Challenge & have another clue.  Joaquin doesn't trust Shirin, so he's like No thanks,

Over at Blue Collar, Mike is really embracing his classification, & appears to want to work around camp non-stop, & expects everyone else to do the same.  Rodney takes offense.  First Dan calls his mother a whore, & now Mike wants him to get firewood?  Is there a C on your shirt?  Are you the Captain of this fucking team? Do you even want to live in Texas, bro?

Rodney's not the only one who feels unappreciated & is annoyed with Mike's slave-driving.

She continues: "Magic?  Your God?  Did your God come down & do it with his fucking beard?"

Here's where CBS tried to make the hashtag #Psalm121 happen, based on Mike's tattoo.  Psalm 121 actually begins: "I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven & earth."  So to answer Lindsey, maybe that is what Mike believes?  

Now, I'm familiar with this psalm as I sang Mendelssohn's beautiful & haunting setting of it, Lift Thine Eyes, with my high school choir.  It has, quite possibly, the most beautiful & soaring Soprano 1 line I've ever sang.  I recommend listening to this lovely version sung by ladies at Westminster Choir College while you watch the Blue Collar segment starting with Rodney doing his Mike impersonation.  It's, like, Dark Side of Oz perfect.

Immunity Challenge time & this one involves each tribe carrying a large bucket with holes in it through an obstacle course.  It gets filled up with water, then carried back through the obstacle course to be emptied at the other end.  Once enough water has been transported, a flag will lift.  First tribe to finish wins Immunity and a large comfort reward.  Second tribe wins Immunity and a tarp, and third tribe wins a date with Probst at Tribal Council.

"I wonder if a girl ever takes that seriously.  'So, it's just me & you, Jeff?'" *bats eyelashes*

No Collar decides to not use Nina to help carry the bucket or plug the holes, & despite Probst yelling at them constantly about how stupid this is, they do not change their strategy.  "I do not understand the reasoning why Nina's not a part of this!"  "No Collar, once again very slow, & doing it with only 4 tribe members even though they have 5!"  "For some reason, it makes sense to No Collars to have Nina not participate!" 

Listen, Probst - You can't question the No Collars.  No Collars don't follow any so-called rules or strategies considered obvious by the mainstream.  YOU SAID.  Blue Collar and White Collar take first and second, & No Collars head back to Tribal Council.  Perhaps if Vince had stayed, he could have plugged those holes with his feathers and they would have won, but they'll never know because they sent home the most entertaining member of this cast & yes I am still bitter about that.

At Tribal Council, Joe acknowledges that he messed up as he made the "strategic" decision that was their downfall.  Nina suggests her disadvantage makes her tribe think she's useless.  Probst points out that the challenge had nothing to do with hearing, and Will notes that with Nina, "it always goes back to her being deaf."

Probst asks if maybe Nina's on the wrong tribe.  Hali says Nina doesn't really follow the No Collar philosophy of "You know how to ride the highs, you know how to ride out the lows."  THEY HAVE A PHILOSOPHY?  Curiouser & curiouser.  Time to vote, votes are read, & Nina is voted out.

Nina leaves the Tribal Council area immediately.

After the episode, there was the Know-It-Alls podcast, & after that, we partied.

To see the actual photos from the trip that these pics are recreations of, go here.  They were mostly taken by Sarah Freeman, who is mildly obsessed with me.  Thanks to Amy Stern for letting me crash at Nerd Heaven, aka her apartment.

Kai & I will be live-tweeting the double episode this week, so follow us on Twitter: @MomofKai & @SonofMomofKai, & you can follow this blog on Facebook as well!