Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart - LEGO - Love You, Merica

Merica (*shudder*) just voted off Kelly, & Rodney takes Will aside once they get back to camp.

Mike's like Great job playing the idol & fucking up my plans.

Despite having an enormous chunk of salami & fresh fruit around the camp - presumably left over from the merge feast - it's not enough food for Rodney.  He tells Shirin to put another scoop of rice on the fire, & is annoyed that "Joe & his stooges" have been running the food ship ever since they merged.  Personally, I wouldn't consider anyone who follows Joe around "a stooge".  I would consider them a human being.  With eyeballs.  SORRY VINCE, IT'S TRUE.  Rodney is trying to keep his anger under control, though with his very own 3Cs.

The Reward Challenge involves untying bags of puzzles from balance beams.  The first 3 to finish move on to a puzzle portion.  First to finish gets to zip-line through the rainforest to a "pizza picnic".  Hi Jeff, everyone in the world just calls that a pizza party, inside or outside.  A Pizza Picnic is as much a thing as No Collar is a thing, which is not at all.  STOP TRYING TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. 

Nobody is shocked that Joe wins.  Individual Immunity is a double-edged sword, of course, as Joe now has to choose who shares his reward.  He chooses Tyler, Will, & Carolyn.  Probst says Pick one more, just for fun.  Rodney says I'm the most staahving, & Joe says, You're also eating the most, bro, & Rodney says, Whatever, bro, I'm just keeping it real.  I'm fine - if you don't pick me, I'll just go back to camp & think about Joaquin.

Shirin clears her throat.

Joe picks Shirin, who jumps up & down & runs over to Joe, who calmly tells Jeff, "That's why.  Right there."  Joe makes dreams come true.  SORRY VINCE, IT'S TRUE.

After Shirin almost zip-lines into a tree because she was too busy grinning to brake, they all settle down for pizza & cinnamon buns & pop.  Joe notices something in Carolyn's bottle.

He knows it's a clue, but how to get it before she notices it?

Carolyn leaps at the opportunity to give Joe the rest of her soda, & who can blame her?  SORRY VINCE, IT'S TRUE.  Joe chugs the remaining pop, & the clue.  When he removes it from his mouth, Tyler sees, & Joe knows he has to share it with him.

The next morning, Joe takes Tyler away fromt the camp to wash dishes & idol hunt.  Mike, who knew a clue would be at the reward, follows them, going so far as to watch them from the trees.

Soon everyone knows Joe has a clue, & suddenly nobody knows where Joe is, so everyone's looking for Joe/the idol.  Mike puts on a show, telling everyone Joe found the idol, & he does a much more subtle job with his acting than when he threw the memory challenge.  Joe's like Fuck.

Dan is speaking condescendingly to a woman again, & this time it's to Shirin, & I CAN'T EVEN.

He basically tells her she's stupid for siding with the lower numbers & Shirin's like I have plans, you don't understand my game, & underneath all her words you can hear FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.

Then, THEN...

Then, THEN, THEN, as if that wasn't offensive enough for us, he says Shirin is annoying, so...

What a dick, right? 

(You can reach Dan at @chxdigme.  Seriously.)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.  Dan then tells Shirin she's got no game left, she'll be first to go if Joe wins Immunity again, she sucks, what a loser, blah blah blah.  But he's not done being a complete asshole yet, BECAUSE THEN, 


Meanwhile, Mike's eating termites, still looking for the idol, having an emotional moment.  He gets full-on montage music while he hunts for the idol, with inspirational messages skywritten across the sky, so it's no surprise when he finds the idol.

The Immunity Challenge is a series of slide puzzles.  First to finish wins Immunity.  Probst says Hey Shirin, this is *just* a puzzle.  Are you going to kill this challenge or what?  Shirin then goes FULL ADORABLE & says it depends on if she can supress her fandom, as she's still geeking out about being on Survivor.  On Day 22.  How does anyone not adore this woman?  Shirin says she has to contain her excitement, like holding in a bomb.

The strictly-puzzles challenge begins.

Everyone but Hali & Rodney are on the last puzzle, about which Probst says "You will know when you have it."  Mmmm, not so much if you're Dan, who incorrectly thinks he's right twice.  Clearly he's a fan who focused on basic math, but not basic spelling.
Joe, of course, wins, making him undefeated in individual Immunity wins.
Rodney is annoyed that Joe can't be voted out yet again.  All he does is win challenges.

Despite Dan trying to convince his alliance to get rid of Shirin, Mike is still running the show until Rodney finds a ship to take over, & Mike wants one of the other No Collars gone.

Shirin tells Jenn, Hali, & Sierra about the conversation she had with Dan, & Hali says something that makes me start liking Hali.

The girls say Wait a minute, we all think Dan's the worst?  Why don't we just get rid of him?

At Tribal Council, Tyler says that a chainsaw never split Merica into 2 distinct tribes, it just blurred the lines even more & yes, I wish I had a Beetlejuice minifig so I could make a Robin Thicke meme.  Mike says they're all gamers.

You know who would have been the best at tickling somebody's ear?

We were robbed, I tell you.

Dan says "Flippers never win", & Shirin says Excuse me, but Tony flipped all the motherfucking time & he won epically, so suck it.  A flag raises behind Hali, fireworks go off above her, & Will hums Merica's anthem, Livin' on a Prayer.

Time to vote, votes are read, & history means nothing as Hali is voted out.

With that said, Hali leaves the Tribal Council area immediately.

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